


Happy Hands are Flappy Hands

by AchillesMonkey



Series: The Neurodiversity Series [4]
Category: Agents of S.H.I.E.L.D. (TV)
Genre: Ableism, Ableist Language, Alternate Universe - College/University, Autism Spectrum, Autistic Character, Autistic Fitz, Autistic Fitzsimmons, Autistic Simmons, Bullying, F/M, Parental Ableism, Past Child Abuse, Past Verbal Abuse, fanfiction is cheaper than therapy, internalized ableism
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-08-11
Updated: 2017-08-11
Packaged: 2018-12-14 02:13:16
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,324
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11773353
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/AchillesMonkey/pseuds/AchillesMonkey
Summary: Fitz doesn't care if other people mock his hand-flapping, but Jemma does.WARNINGS/TRIGGERS: Ableism, Internalized Ableism, Ableist Language, Past Child Verbal Abuse, Mocking of Autistic People





	Happy Hands are Flappy Hands

**Author's Note:**

> WARNINGS/TRIGGERS: Ableism, Internalized Ableism, Ableist Language, Past Child Verbal Abuse, Mocking of Autistic People

“JEMMA!” Jemma looked up at the sound of someone yelling her name and recognized her boyfriend, Fitz, running across the mall toward the spot where she and Daisy sat on a picnic blanket underneath a shady tree. “JEMMA!” He skidded to a stop right in front of them and stood there, hands flapping excitedly in front of his chest. “Jemma! There’s baby gorillas! At the zoo! Remember how the female was pregnant when we went last fall?” Jemma nodded, but Fitz had already continued talking. “Well, she gave birth to twins! I just saw an alert about it from the zoo’s Twitter and came straight to tell you. Can we go see them? Please?”

“Of course we can,” Jemma said, and Fitz beamed at her, flapping his hands harder. He began info-dumping about baby gorillas, but Jemma’s attention had been drawn to two guys who had been tossing a frisbee back and forth. They had stopped and were staring at them. One nudged his buddy and pointed at Fitz before flapping his own hand and laughing.

Jemma felt a tight ball of anxiety begin to form in her stomach and a general sense of unease and dread settled over her. She started to fidget with her spinner ring as she glanced at Daisy. The murderous look on her friend’s face told her that she had seen them too.

“Hey, Fitz,” Daisy interrupted him. “Just wanted you to know, there are two jackasses mocking your flapping. Want me to go beat them up?”

“No,” Fitz told her. “They can do what they want. I don’t care.” He picked up his info-dump where he had left off and Jemma did her best to pay attention and ignore the two frisbee-playing douchebags. Still, she continued to feel tense and anxious, glancing around every so often to see if anyone else was staring at them.

~*~*~*~

Later, Jemma followed Fitz back to his dorm. “Want to watch  _ Doctor Who _ ?” he asked as he unlocked the door.

They entered and Jemma went straight to his desk to grab the stress ball sitting on top of his physics textbook. “How do you not care?” she blurted out.

“What?”

“When others mock you, how do you not care about that?”

Fitz scratched his cheek as he thought about his answer. “Well, my mum taught me when I was a kid that people express themselves differently. Mum cries when she’s happy; I flap my hands. None of it’s bad; it’s just different. I don’t care that people mock me because I know that I’m not doing anything bad; I’m just doing something different, and that’s their problem, not mine.”

Jemma squeezed the stress ball. “It bothers me.”

“Why?”

“I don’t know!” She dropped the ball back onto the desk and brought her hands up to squeeze around her neck and jaw. “I’m sorry, Fitz, I think I should go back to my dorm. I’m too worked up to watch anything right now.”

“Okay.” Fitz twisted his fingers together. “Is there anything I can do to help?”

“No, I think I just need to be alone to process.”

“Okay. Text me if that changes.”

“I will. Bye, Fitz.”

“Bye.”

Jemma went back to her dorm, but only stayed long enough to drop off her backpack and change into her gym clothes. She put headphones in and put her favorite song on repeat as she made her way to the gym, heading straight to the treadmill once she got there. Running always helped her clear her mind when she was struggling with something.

Why  _ was  _ she so upset about those two jerks mocking Fitz? Of course there was the obvious answer that she was upset because they were mocking Fitz, and that was definitely a huge part of it, but Jemma had a feeling it went deeper than that.

She was 15 minutes into her run when suddenly a memory appeared, as clear as if it had happened the previous day. She was about six or seven, standing in front of her aquarium, hands flapping excitedly as she watched the fish. Her mum entered, dropping off clean clothes for Jemma to put away. “Why do you do that?” Mum asked.

Jemma turned away from the fish, looking at her Mum in confusion.

“Move your hands like that,” Mum clarified, mimicking her flapping.

Jemma shrugged. “It feels nice.”

“Well, you shouldn’t do it. It makes you look stupid.” Mum mimicked her flapping again, making a silly face while doing so. Jemma laughed, but a strange feeling formed inside her, one she didn’t yet have the words to explain. 

Jemma slowed the treadmill to a walk, now recognizing the feeling she’d felt as a child as shame. Unconsciously, her hands formed into fists and her thumbs rubbed her fingers as she squeezed. She glanced down at her hands and blinked in surprise as she suddenly realized why she stimmed like that.  _ Oh, _ she thought.  _ I started squeezing my hands as a replacement for flapping. _

She got off the treadmill and went to the water fountain in almost a daze. After getting water, she left the gym, not really sure where she was going. She ended up outside of Fitz’s dorm, which didn’t really surprise her.

“Hi,” Fitz greeted her as he let her in. “Are you done processing?”

“My mum called me stupid,” she told him.

“Well, that wasn’t very kind of her,” he said.

Jemma sat down at his desk and he sat down on his bed. She told him about her memory, and her realization about why she squeezed her hands. “And it’s all because Mum told me I looked stupid once,” she finished. “How fucked up is that?”

“It’s not fucked up,” Fitz objected immediately. “Words-they have a way of cutting deep, and that stupid rhyme about sticks and stones and words never hurting is a huge fucking lie.” Fitz drummed his fingers on the bed. “I’ve told you that my dad wasn’t a good man,” he began, and Jemma nodded, “but what I left out was that he called me stupid too. And worthless. And idiot, and retarded. When mums and dads say those things, kids believe them.”

“You know it’s not true, right?” Jemma asked. “You’re not s-stupid or worthless, or anything else he said.”

“I know. Mum told me. And you know that flapping your hands doesn’t make you look stupid, either, right?”

Jemma bit her lip. “Yes?”

“Flapping your hands doesn’t make you look stupid,” Fitz repeated firmly. “It doesn’t.”

Jemma took a deep breath and nodded. “Okay.”

“Would you like a hug?” Fitz asked. Jemma nodded and stood up. Fitz stood as well and wrapped his arms around her, squeezing tight to give her the pressure she preferred. “I love you.” He felt Jemma tense in his arms. “You don’t have to say it back. Or feel it. Or anything. I just want you to know that I love you, and I’ll love you whether or not you flap your hands.”

Jemma rested her head on Fitz’s shoulder and took another deep breath. She felt safe being herself around Fitz. She knew he wouldn’t judge her, and she felt grateful that he told her that. “I love you too, Fitz,” she told him. She was pretty sure that she did. Figuring out feelings was confusing, but she definitely felt something for Fitz. She pulled away from the hug. “Still want to watch  _ Doctor Who _ ?”

~*~*~*~

A few days later, Jemma and Fitz went to the zoo to see the baby gorillas. Fitz’s eyes were glued to the gorillas in the enclosure, but Jemma’s eyes were watching Fitz. She smiled as his hands flapped excitedly when the male gorilla stopped right in front of them and stared back at them through the glass. 

“Jemma, look!” he whispered.

“He’s stunning.”

“That’s the babies’ dad. He’s the alpha.” Fitz continued talking, and Jemma smiled as she listened. Her hands fluttered by her side. 

**Author's Note:**

> Thanks for reading, and thanks for any kudos/comments! Feel free to check out my [Tumblr](http://unlessimwrongwhichyouknowimnot.tumblr.com)! I'm currently accepting prompts, particularly FitzSimmons prompts for the Engineering vs. Biochem challenge.


End file.
